This is my first first attemt at a blog. I wanted to share something i wrote in my journal:
April 3rd, 2010
It is Saturday, the day before Easter. I have finally made my peace with God. This is big for me. I have been struggling with my own anger, and self absorption for nearly two weeks. I have so much to do. I find that my head is spinning out thoughts faster than I can keep up with them. I am frantically writing notes everywhere I go. So I have to take time to write some, while I am inspired. I have always prided myself on one thing in my life that I do well. I love my children. This is the thing I do better than anything else in the world. I have always said I would sacrifice anything, do anything for my children. My love for them is totally unconditional. It does not matter what they do. They may do things that hurt my feelings, unintentionally, and I can not just overlook it, but forgive it on the spot. I will make excuses for them. In fact, I would give my life for any one of them in a heartbeat. Yesterday was Good Friday. God died for us!! Me!! Just for me. He is our Father. My father. I heard a song once that was timely. I had just lost both of my parents within three weeks of each other. In that three week period I also lost my second grandchild. I was overwhelmed when I heard Ray Bolts sing a line in on of my favorite songs. “Remember, God is the father of the fatherless!” It made me feel better. It let me know I was not truly alone. God was still there. As always. My father was still with me. My earthly father had died, but my Heavenly Father was still with me, holding me up.,. Giving me strength. I knew I would be ok.
I could hear this song in my head last night for no reason. Well, of course there was a reason. This is how God talks to us. He will reach us in any way, at anytime, when the need arises! Well there was a need! As I said, I have been struggling for two weeks with this overwhelming sadness, and anger. One of MY precious daughters was pregnant. She had been trying to have a baby for a year! Our Prayers were answered. We were overjoyed. She found out that it was twins. That took the "overjoyed" up several notches. Then she found out that they did not grow. She lost them. This, at the same time we were going through the murder trial, result of the murder of our precious David nearly three years ago. At the Dr’s office when she told me this news, I lost faith in God! What God would take her two precious babies, my two precious grandbabies, right when we were struggling with everything else? I was so filled with anger and grief. I blamed God on the spot. How could he let this happen. Through all of the past three years, since David was murdered, I felt his strength carry me through. Through the hurt and loss and grief. Through all of the problems and chaos. He guided me and helped me with my struggle to forgive the Killer. He guided me foreword to acceptance. Then in one mean vicious act, all that peace was gone and I was consumed with so much anger I did not no what to do with it. And when the anger subsided enough for me to think a bit more clearly I found I still did not feel God with me. What I felt was ashamed at myself for lashing out at God. This shame made me feel distant. Embarrassed. So last night I got a reminder. I love My children so much I would die for them. Nothing they did would be so bad that I could not forgive it. Forgive them. They are my children, and that is unconditional love! They only need to ask. But they really do not even need to ask. It is just understood. But wait a minute here. God is my Father. I am his child. And he DID die for me. He will Forgive me. In fact has already forgiven me. He forgave me and understood. With a fathers eye, and with a fathers love he knew my thoughts, knew my hurt, knew my heart! He was just patiently waiting for me to come to that understanding. He has so much unconditional love for me, in fact for all of his children, that he just patiently waits for us to catch up, and understand. That realization gave me so much peace. God did not kill my grandbabies! But he did take them in His arms, and still holds them for us. They are in Heaven, with David, my parents, Pete, and everyone else we have loved and lost. He holds them in his loving presence, for us. I am blessed with my wonderful children, and my absolutely perfect grandbabies here on earth , and my four equally perfect grandbabies that are in heaven! And I am blessed with the knowledge that we will all be together again, thanks to Jesus! This is a wonderful holiday indeed. Thank you Jesus, for dying for me and rising again so that we can have eternal life! HAPPY EASTER INDEED!