Friday, February 17, 2012

I am what one would call technologically challenged. I have a "smart phone" that is smarter than me! A task on the computer that would take someone ten minutes to do, I can count on spending a day trying to figure out. Last year Chuck and I were taking one of our road trips. His son gave us his GPS to take along in case we wanted to use it. No surprise that I could not figure it out. Oh, I got it turned on and put our distination in and it seemed to work fine until I pushed some button or the other and, well..... we got to our distination with no problem. We used the good old navigation system. It is called a MAP! What is a GPS anyhow? "The Global Positioning System (GPS) is a space-based satellite navigation system that provides location and time information in all weather, anywhere on or ..." This is from wikipedia. It is a great devise that will give you directions. It even talks to you. You can use a good GPS to help you find hotels, restaurants, and any number of places. It can show you road conditions, traffic, places where you may be slowed down due to road construction. What a great devise to have to make life easier. When I moved to Nashville for a year, and I would try to find a place that I had to go, I would get directions from my daughter or son-in-law. Many times I would call Ernie and say "Hey, I am ..., how do I get to ..." and he would talk me through it, give me directions or get me "unlost"! I was talking to a friend once when I lived there and they said that the first thing they did when they moved to Nashville was buy a GPS and it was great. That was how they learned their way around Nashville. I laughed and told them that Ernie was my GPS. I was only half joking. I was afraid to get one, afraid that I could not figure it out. Should be really easy to use. But as I said, I am technologically challenged. I am a very spiritual person. I believe in God. I believe he knows us. He is always with us. He guides us. Somehow he gets us where we belong. Where he wants us to be. I pray daily for his guidance. I had a very difficult year last year. I was unemployed for most of the year, had some pretty serious "money problems". So what? Don't we all? I found myself praying desperately to God to please guide me and tell me what he wanted for my life, to tell me where he wanted me to be. I was on the verge of loosing my home. I was not sure if I should stay in Ohio or move somewhere else. One night I was absoluutely desperate. I was angry at circunstances, at not being able to find a job. I felt totally lost. (Are you getting the connection yet?) I cried out to God in my despair. I think the prayer was something like this: "God I am just a stupid human. I am asking for your guidance. Please tell me where you want me. Tell me what you want me to do. I know you answer prayers, but I am not understanding what you are trying to tell me. You need to hit me in the head or something. Please tell me what you want me to do. Just talk to me"! When I woke up the next morning I could "hear" God very clearly say to me "You are exactly where I want you". When I say I could "Hear" God I do not mean that I hear his voice. It is more like I hear it in my heart. How ever it is that I hear Him, I know it is Him. I have heard Him before. Usually when I am at my lowest. This time, though, what I heard made me very angry. I ranted at him, "So I am where you want me? You want me here, loosing my house, broke, out of savings, retirement all spent. Nothing left? This is where you want me? Then a calm came over me. I asked Him for guidance, and to talk to me. He did. If I was where He wanted me then so be it. If He leads me to it, He will lead me through it! Well, long story short, life turned around. This morning when I woke up the thought came to me that we all have a GPS. God. He is our navigation system. We need to learn to listen. Just ask him for the guidance, and direction, and follow Him. He will show us the way. We may second guess Him. Wonder why He sends us down a certain path. We may think that it would just be so much faster if we just go our own way instead of following His chosen path for us. But ALWAYS when we do that we end up backtracking. It may seem like the "long way around" but it is that way for a reason. A lesson to be learned, or perhaps he sends us on what seems like a "long" way, because he is guiding us around a danger zone. Whatever it is, I am so very happy to know that I have a GPS that gets me through anything and always gets me where I need to be. And I am not too technologically challenged to be able to use it!
This blog was from April 3rd, 2010. I guess I have been blogging for a while. I always called it journaling. I started journaling a long time ago. Nearly three years. It started as a letter to a very special person. He was the man I had been with for twenty five years. The man I thought I was going to marry. At least that is what he had told me. (rumor has it that he may have forgotten to mention this minor detail to the person who called herself his secret girlfriend at his murder trial!) When he was murdered I lost my best friend. I needed to talk to him so badly, so the only thing I could do was write to him. "Dear David"! I have hundreds of pages that I have written. I guess the difference in Blogging and Journaling is that this is on line. Perhaps I should keep my blogging a bit lighter! Not to minimize all of my journaling. I recently reread part of "Dear David, The First Year", and I was amazed at the depth of feeling that was poured out in that first several months. An entire diary of feeling, Grief! Every stage, right there in front of me! Now nearly three years later, I am a much different person, yet very much the same. I have a new man in my life. He is a very special person. It doesn't hurt that I have known him most of my life. But the most important things in my life are my children and grandchildren. And my faith. My faith, that was so unwavering through all of the hurt and all of the struggles. I always thought nothing could shake my faith. I mean I thought that God would just always be there, and my faith would never fail me. I thought that until 8 days ago. One of my precious daughters was pregnant. I was just so overjoyed. This news came during a particularly trying time. The murder trial was about to start! And when she was concerned about some problems she was having, she saw the Dr. and had an ultrasound. Wow. Imagine the surprise when they not only told her that everything looked good, but she could clearly see TWO! Twins! I can not begin to explain how that feels. But if you have ever become a grandparent, you know! This was not two dots on an ultrasound. This was my grandchildren! That picture joined the rest of the pictures on my refrigerator, I call it my "refrigerator art". Well, when we went to see them two weeks later for another ultrasound, hoping to hear or see the heartbeats, it appeaed that the babies did not make it. All that was there was two dark dots. She had to have surgery. But those two little dots were real. They were not just spots. They were my grandchildren. I felt such anger at that moment. How could this happen? How could God take our two precious babies. At that very second, I could feel my faith slipping. And I can not seem to get it back. I want to get it back! Don't get me wrong. I beleive in God. But I can not get past this anger. Why do I feel anger at God? When David was murdered I did not feel this kind of anger at God. Perhaps because I could blame the one who killed him. But I don't know who to blame for this! I used to pray all day long. I used to love to listen to spiritual music. I have forgotten how to pray! One of my daughters told me that God does not kill. I beleive that. But I can not seem to get the spark back. It scares me. I want to feel that certanty that I used to feel. It is almost like I am lost. I know that when we can't feel God beside us, that it is we who have moved, and not God. But I feel so much darkness around me, I can't find him. I just have all this anger. I just want to scream.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

This is my first first attemt at a blog. I wanted to share something i wrote in my journal:

April 3rd, 2010

It is Saturday, the day before Easter. I have finally made my peace with God. This is big for me. I have been struggling with my own anger, and self absorption for nearly two weeks. I have so much to do. I find that my head is spinning out thoughts faster than I can keep up with them. I am frantically writing notes everywhere I go. So I have to take time to write some, while I am inspired. I have always prided myself on one thing in my life that I do well. I love my children. This is the thing I do better than anything else in the world. I have always said I would sacrifice anything, do anything for my children. My love for them is totally unconditional. It does not matter what they do. They may do things that hurt my feelings, unintentionally, and I can not just overlook it, but forgive it on the spot. I will make excuses for them. In fact, I would give my life for any one of them in a heartbeat. Yesterday was Good Friday. God died for us!! Me!! Just for me. He is our Father. My father. I heard a song once that was timely. I had just lost both of my parents within three weeks of each other. In that three week period I also lost my second grandchild. I was overwhelmed when I heard Ray Bolts sing a line in on of my favorite songs. “Remember, God is the father of the fatherless!” It made me feel better. It let me know I was not truly alone. God was still there. As always. My father was still with me. My earthly father had died, but my Heavenly Father was still with me, holding me up.,. Giving me strength. I knew I would be ok.
I could hear this song in my head last night for no reason. Well, of course there was a reason. This is how God talks to us. He will reach us in any way, at anytime, when the need arises! Well there was a need! As I said, I have been struggling for two weeks with this overwhelming sadness, and anger. One of MY precious daughters was pregnant. She had been trying to have a baby for a year! Our Prayers were answered. We were overjoyed. She found out that it was twins. That took the "overjoyed" up several notches. Then she found out that they did not grow. She lost them. This, at the same time we were going through the murder trial, result of the murder of our precious David nearly three years ago. At the Dr’s office when she told me this news, I lost faith in God! What God would take her two precious babies, my two precious grandbabies, right when we were struggling with everything else? I was so filled with anger and grief. I blamed God on the spot. How could he let this happen. Through all of the past three years, since David was murdered, I felt his strength carry me through. Through the hurt and loss and grief. Through all of the problems and chaos. He guided me and helped me with my struggle to forgive the Killer. He guided me foreword to acceptance. Then in one mean vicious act, all that peace was gone and I was consumed with so much anger I did not no what to do with it. And when the anger subsided enough for me to think a bit more clearly I found I still did not feel God with me. What I felt was ashamed at myself for lashing out at God. This shame made me feel distant. Embarrassed. So last night I got a reminder. I love My children so much I would die for them. Nothing they did would be so bad that I could not forgive it. Forgive them. They are my children, and that is unconditional love! They only need to ask. But they really do not even need to ask. It is just understood. But wait a minute here. God is my Father. I am his child. And he DID die for me. He will Forgive me. In fact has already forgiven me. He forgave me and understood. With a fathers eye, and with a fathers love he knew my thoughts, knew my hurt, knew my heart! He was just patiently waiting for me to come to that understanding. He has so much unconditional love for me, in fact for all of his children, that he just patiently waits for us to catch up, and understand. That realization gave me so much peace. God did not kill my grandbabies! But he did take them in His arms, and still holds them for us. They are in Heaven, with David, my parents, Pete, and everyone else we have loved and lost. He holds them in his loving presence, for us. I am blessed with my wonderful children, and my absolutely perfect grandbabies here on earth , and my four equally perfect grandbabies that are in heaven! And I am blessed with the knowledge that we will all be together again, thanks to Jesus! This is a wonderful holiday indeed. Thank you Jesus, for dying for me and rising again so that we can have eternal life! HAPPY EASTER INDEED!