Friday, February 17, 2012

This blog was from April 3rd, 2010. I guess I have been blogging for a while. I always called it journaling. I started journaling a long time ago. Nearly three years. It started as a letter to a very special person. He was the man I had been with for twenty five years. The man I thought I was going to marry. At least that is what he had told me. (rumor has it that he may have forgotten to mention this minor detail to the person who called herself his secret girlfriend at his murder trial!) When he was murdered I lost my best friend. I needed to talk to him so badly, so the only thing I could do was write to him. "Dear David"! I have hundreds of pages that I have written. I guess the difference in Blogging and Journaling is that this is on line. Perhaps I should keep my blogging a bit lighter! Not to minimize all of my journaling. I recently reread part of "Dear David, The First Year", and I was amazed at the depth of feeling that was poured out in that first several months. An entire diary of feeling, Grief! Every stage, right there in front of me! Now nearly three years later, I am a much different person, yet very much the same. I have a new man in my life. He is a very special person. It doesn't hurt that I have known him most of my life. But the most important things in my life are my children and grandchildren. And my faith. My faith, that was so unwavering through all of the hurt and all of the struggles. I always thought nothing could shake my faith. I mean I thought that God would just always be there, and my faith would never fail me. I thought that until 8 days ago. One of my precious daughters was pregnant. I was just so overjoyed. This news came during a particularly trying time. The murder trial was about to start! And when she was concerned about some problems she was having, she saw the Dr. and had an ultrasound. Wow. Imagine the surprise when they not only told her that everything looked good, but she could clearly see TWO! Twins! I can not begin to explain how that feels. But if you have ever become a grandparent, you know! This was not two dots on an ultrasound. This was my grandchildren! That picture joined the rest of the pictures on my refrigerator, I call it my "refrigerator art". Well, when we went to see them two weeks later for another ultrasound, hoping to hear or see the heartbeats, it appeaed that the babies did not make it. All that was there was two dark dots. She had to have surgery. But those two little dots were real. They were not just spots. They were my grandchildren. I felt such anger at that moment. How could this happen? How could God take our two precious babies. At that very second, I could feel my faith slipping. And I can not seem to get it back. I want to get it back! Don't get me wrong. I beleive in God. But I can not get past this anger. Why do I feel anger at God? When David was murdered I did not feel this kind of anger at God. Perhaps because I could blame the one who killed him. But I don't know who to blame for this! I used to pray all day long. I used to love to listen to spiritual music. I have forgotten how to pray! One of my daughters told me that God does not kill. I beleive that. But I can not seem to get the spark back. It scares me. I want to feel that certanty that I used to feel. It is almost like I am lost. I know that when we can't feel God beside us, that it is we who have moved, and not God. But I feel so much darkness around me, I can't find him. I just have all this anger. I just want to scream.

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